2007 - here i am

overspending

2007-01-16T20:04:00.000+08:00

:( it's really bad. I have been splurging on my credit card these few days.
I am truly broke. I spent 4K on facials. they will last me more than a year but it's still a lot of money!!

GOd. i really need to iron out my budget before i go crazy. ester

Day 3

2007-01-04T14:13:00.000+08:00

Well today, i made a silly mistake.
Sigh I am so shy. i can see oppty for me to go out with the people in the department but then I daren't take it up cause i feel shy.

It's seriously holding me back. Who would have thought that I would be feeling so insecure.
Well learnt somethings here and there. It's a little hard to understand some bits of it but i am sure if i were to sit down and do these things they will come naturally.

It's so hard to wake up in the morning to come to work. I literally have to force myself up. It's also hard to sleep at night. I spent the whole night tossing and turning till 5am. Woke up at 7.15
Left for work at 7.40. Thank goodness I made it on time.

Maybe I suck at work .who knows it's too early to say. but i know one thing i must stop assuming things and really listen and learn!

First day [New Role]

2007-01-02T09:20:00.000+08:00

Spent a sleepless night wondering how today will be.
Woke up at 6.45 am way ahead of my alarm clock. Got ready for work by 7.30am. Feeling really fat today. Can't believe i feel so bloated & unattractive.

Well the bus was on time and it's still Unc.Pt so it was somewhat reassuring.

It feels weird to come in to work and not have anyone to greet or seem close with. It's really like a first day. It's now 9.30am and we are at breakfast at least they are. I am too nervous and shy. Part of me insists that I should join them instead of staying here and feeling akward.

2007 - here I come.

2007-01-02T01:21:00.000+08:00

In september 2006 i was so positive that going to India was what I wanted. Look at me now. less than half a year away. Re-thinking about it all. I was promoted to assistant manager for the training department. It's quite a leap for me.

I think it's a blessing and hopefully I don't get stuck in that role too long. I want to be able to learn as much as I can from this role. Be ethical in all I do. To learn about politics and to make a good impression to all as well as earn the respect of others.

Pls. let me not shoot my mouth off and offend people unnecessarily. I honestly don't think work is about being the nicest person or even a popularity contest. just maintaina polite and proper behaviour at all time.

Want to give my best this year and work smart instead of falling prey to what I did the last time.
So excited. Should be in bed now, and wake up in a bit but am feeling to nervous to sleep. Start my new role later today. Gosh!!!

shrug it off like water of a ducks back

2006-12-31T02:05:00.000+08:00

My last day at FD. The team I have served for 1 yr and 10 months.
What was i expecting from my team mates? a farewell a sort of acknowledgement that they would miss me when I am gone. I don't know but for my farewell half didn't attend and a number of them had to be forced to. I was so disheartened.

Neither did i recieve a farewell from my department.

I don't think blogging here would make me look good but then again, i want to pen down the sadness and dissapointment i felt that day.

[december 29'2006]

empty

2006-11-06T04:36:00.000+08:00

She lies awake. thinking.
They are close and yet they are apart. lonely. ever felt lonely even when you are with someone? I hurt somewhere inside, a horrible feeling. Not a physical pain that you can easily prescribe a number of drugs.

words just words

2006-09-08T03:11:00.000+08:00

Watching HEX now. watched in UK when i was there last year around this time and now it's on ASTRO. Can you beat that? Anyways, i really hope i get to go to India for three months. I can't wait to be able to go there and wash off dd to the rest of the group then i will be able to move on.

However, whether i am going or not is not a given. So am trying to manage expectations against the chances of being let down.

If indeed I am not choosen to go then again, is that a bad thing would i die? Well it would just change my plans for a bit won't it? Even if i did go, i would still need to change my plans when i get back going is just another procrastination excuse *one way to see it*

Anyways, z has suggested renting a house and moving in together. I am all excited by it. wow. it's a big step isn't it? trying not to make a big deal out of it either.

jumbled

2006-09-05T11:26:00.000+08:00

Hmm everything is topsy turvy here.
Lord, haven't spoken to you in a while.

*n*

FAT

2006-08-06T02:54:00.000+08:00

Quest to self improvement & satisfaction

Weight Management
Current weight: 65kg ideal weight according to doctors 45-59kg.
So I am indeed overweight with a BMI of 26.1% when it should be 25% or less.
Proposal of solutions
- Exercises: Swimming 3 times a week alternating with light home workout.
- Food : No carbonated drinks, avoid overeating and supper
* cousin wedding in oct, need to loose about 1kg a week till then so in august it should be 4 kg’s and in Sept another 4 and in oct another 2.

Appearance Issues
- require new clothes only achievable when the above target is made
- skin – see a doctor as skin on back starting to breakout and looks weird
- see a dentist to get teeth professionally cleaned
- see a gynecologist and get a thorough check up.

Career Path
- too difficult to put down here. I Will concentrate on the above two for now as immediate goals.

@ Of late I have watched a French movie – ameline. Then Elizabethtown, and the latest DRAGON TIGER GATE which had some really nice fight sceens.

death wish

2006-07-24T01:02:00.000+08:00

Entry Word: disconsolate
Function: adjective
Text: feeling unhappiness ***taken from Merriam Webster online***

i am stupid; am expecting too much in life. Things aren't what i tot it would tho I was brought up so that my head would not be up in the clouds all the time. I live in my fantasy...........

Yea, some bad things happened to me. Yea I don't want to live most of the time, yea I feel really left out of the loop at work and in my personal life. It’s a choice. Not something i am happy with but it’s still a choice. Don’t relish in communicating with people. the absence of such connection when there is a gap in my life becomes prominent when the essence of which i use to feel up the hole is taken away. Then when I look around me, and see people talking communicating enjoying themselves the ease they feel when approaching one another to interact I realize no one approaches me. Is it because i give off waves of dissatisfaction and a sense of intense negative ness?? hmm thats putting it mildly.

ah fuck it. no one actually wants me I am my worst enemy. I can't seem to find a place where i can find balance. maybe i am not meant to fucking find it anyways.

Wish i was dead, dont' recall the amount of time i wished it but never had the guts to see it thru. one of these days i am going to find the guts to finish what i keep starting then maybe it wouldn't be so messy in my head and in my heart.

Yea some people will miss me, namely family, cause thats the way families are no matter how much they hate u/get on your nerves, they will still take you in cause your family. Besides absence makes the heart fonder. And i can't imagine a greater distance as compared to death!!!!

If i have to make a will... i would just allocate all my earthly possesions to my mom. thats it simple. no need for the drama.

Sometimes the only thing holding me backj from cutting myself loose from all these chains is the very tot of dissapointing mom. if mom should pass on it would be soo easy to let go. To not worry of how dissapointed she would be, by then she won't know that i was soo unhappy and so upset inside that sometimes i don't want to wake up and when i do i wish i'd just dissapear fade away.

It hurts inside a gnawing sensation ... maybe cause its empty. i try to fill it up but i always come back to the simple fact thats it's empty. Painfully empty.
I am a hollow shell, held down by a wispy string,
try as i might to strengthen the hold,
the wispy string keeps fading away,
one day the string will disolve and then i shall be free...
from dismay? pain? whats hurting me, other than myself.

fuck it when i die whats to remind people of me a 25 year old nobody apart frm some random people who accidently stumble to this blog an pass it by. they may spare a tot or they may just dismiss it... typical of life....

2006-07-08T05:46:00.000+08:00

I think I am broken inside. Nothing matters anymore.

I am dead, not alive just existing bit by bit, can’t you see my tears, they are blood; they don’t wash off. Hurt, humiliated, torn, whored, violated marks of brutality and violence inside my thighs inside of me.

I cant’ breather, I can’t breathe. I am note safenotsafe.So tiredso empty,hurts..
Fuckfuckfuckshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit

God Zac help me, whatdo I do can’tcall youcalled youtoo many times, leaning on yousomuchbut youcan’t be therealways,you’renottherealways. Can I call ..whoWHO..nonononono

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit……plseplseplsestop in my headenugghhhh hugs cuddle safewanttofeelsaafeee pls plssssssdont’ know whotocallllllplseplseplseplseeeeeeee notsafe,dirtydirtyo0-dirtydirty help pls.dirtybath goignto bath washawaywashaway Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhelphelp

The way things are...

2006-06-23T11:54:00.000+08:00

Lost really, loads of things going on.

* there is a sense of well being , as we trudge to our daily life.
Have now been awarded a new trainee to be taugh under me, as well as other projects going on simultaneously. To be challenged and really tested.... i hope i don't fall short. I am doing my best.

* Life is messy now, hoping things would end on a daily basis.

* Am feeling upset at work, I don't know how to describe it. There a person who is slighting me, who's dislike,impatience and ire on what I say/do is so tangiable. And subtle. We use to be friends.
When people make's snide comments in the name of fun, she laughs along. And it cut;s deep as she is suppose to be my friend. Communicate hmm it's easy to say it when advising other but am afraid and somewhat not interested to open any can's of worms around. eheheheheheh

Off to work adventure and fun!

Unhappy

2006-06-17T03:30:00.000+08:00

* running words thru...

Never mind, he is exhausted he is working so hard it's tense times for him

So? I feel crappy, we haven't fucked in ages, i am having horrid back pains. what is he doing? sleep. he is irritating me with his slow answers when i ask questions. Annoying!

Don't be like that, just go an see a doctor soon ok? You will definately feel better in a few days. Why don't we go to alam medic tomorrow? I mean it's not like we have much to do....

I am sleepy i want to sleep in. I want sex,

Ester! What the hell do you want it for. It's not like it's good to begin with anyway!!!!!!

It is in the beginning it's not anymore.

Whoever told you sex was great? It's so overated, Listen to yourself!!!!
it's only good in the beginning when they want you and when it's new. As times go by it's nothing. you should know by now.

yeah i do which is why i think it's an excellent idea to fuck someone else. not to say it's something you can live with.

Yeaaa well i don't want to cheat on anyone!!

Yeah just fucking cheat on yourself! YOu have sex?
Don't kid me. your' just a fucking toy use and be satisfied and then get over with it.roll over clean up and back to the pc anyway!!!

ESTER!!! it's not like that. He always obliges even when he is tired.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH OBLIGE *LOL* ROFL!!! yeah right, first you tease,hint whine blatantly beg for sex and when it happens it's over in two minutes! AHAHAHAHAHAHA you will forever be a fucking loser! When will you stop faking it and tell him uh,,,,that;s it... oh dammit will you ever satisfy me before it being over!!! you're a coward. you know you are. The you pretend everything is fine. Well it's all good and well for you but I want to find someone else. I crave the satisfaction it's...new and exciting.

.............bye

yeah run away... well i won't! I will set out what i intend to do.you can't stop me and deep down inside i am not sure you want to.

kabalarians

2006-06-17T03:25:00.000+08:00

Names

Us

Your First Name of: Andrea

Although the name Andrea creates an interest in the deeper aspects of life, we emphasize that it limits self-expression and friendly congeniality with a moody disposition.
This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the heart, lungs and bronchial area.
The name of Andrea gives you a clever, quick, analytical mind, but you suffer with a great deal of self-consciousness, lack of confidence, and much aloneness because of misunderstandings.
Your idealistic and sensitive nature gives you a deep appreciation for the finer things of life and a strong desire to be of service to humanity.
There are times when you experience inner turbulence at your inability to say what you mean.
It is far easier for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings through writing than verbally.
You find pleasure in literature, in poetry, and in your ideals and will turn to them when you feel you have been misunderstood.
You are deeply moved by the beauties of life, especially nature.

Ester
Although the name Ester creates the urge to be creative and original, we emphasize that it limits your versatility and scope, tuning you to technical details.
This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses and accidents to the head, and the elimination system.
Your first name of Ester has made you a hard worker with a meticulous sense of detail.
You have a great deal of patience and independence, and you can be relied upon to complete your undertakings.
You could be inventive along scientific or practical lines.
You are stable, trustworthy, homeloving, and logical in practical matters, but rather unresponsive to suggestions from others.
You resist change

Bitches at work.

2006-05-12T12:14:00.000+08:00

Oh Betrayal. By the person called friend. Hurts so bad really.

Person who is so insecure, as to conjure up imagined plots and conspiracy against themselves. Tell different versions of one event to loads of people to garner sympathy.
Act above themselves as tho, they are indeed the person in charge. Have a pompous self-important attitude. I don't want any part of it. Avoiding this person as much as humanly possible.

Sickening. I face this person everyday.

Lord help me.

Happy!

2006-05-07T15:07:00.000+08:00

Had a wonderful wonderful trip to Bandung, and a relaxing trip to Kuching.
Am lost about the direction of my life and career. Wish thing are better in the future.
Wishful thinking is not going to get anything done in the long run. Sigh*

A change of heart has prompted me to change my outlook on things in general. Decided to spend more time on being positive and doing things that makes me happy and not the other way around.'

Happiness is not as elusive as it seems.

Commitment to work towards is has been forged in my heart.

Looking forward to my next few moves with a positive energy and a quick prayer.

Ms. Perera.
Thank you for your help.

Another two days of holidays, How i love it.!

ARgh!!

2006-04-23T21:52:00.000+08:00

Devine Mercy week. Went to church in Shah Alam. Kinda sweet of Zac to accompany me all the way there.

Heard from Kenji, yes I am off to East Malaysia on the 3-5 May 06 to Kuching. May be going to Sabah sometime in December it depends on my cousins wedding.

Saw my ex-housemate Ivy today, she is as thin as ever but she has curled her hair.

Gosh* I look horrible. I realize I look absolutely horrid. I Don’t have any redeeming qualities. Bad Skin, lugging about a tonne of extra fat around the tummy. Heading to any of the slimming centre would further prove my point. I don’t know why people bother with slimming centers. We go there with a few target areas in mind, budgeting all our funds only to be told by pencil stick women that everything about us is fat; your arms and things. And Boy do they do a job on you with ‘hard-selling’.

Read an article in the Star paper about ‘customer service in Malaysia’. As proud as I am of being a Malaysian, I must admit in general customer service is virtually non-existent here.

Well paid rent for a month to stay in a room where I only slept for like 2 nights. So one night cost me about RM150! That’s definitely not cheap!

depressed

2006-04-01T02:55:00.000+08:00

Feel like everything is falling away....

Are we drifting apart? Did I ever know you?
Did you truly know me? Questions swim in the head.

There aren’t any answers in here. Just doubts, might haves and ought to be

Turned to you for comfort for reassurance. I ask the impossible.

The comfort given, is momentary the assurance fleeting.

Is this all? A lifetime of searching wanting wondering.

As the years go by, not getting any smarter, wiser, in fact there’s this gaping hole inside; that just keeps getting wider. There’s this hunger for love for... sometimes don't even know what it is I need/Seek.

Feeling of neglect, dejection and frustration permeates all thoughts.

Thought you were the..never mind life goes on no matter how we feel. Time just passes by, second by second like water running through our fingers. Nothing We do, feel or say will stop its passing.

Nor ours when our time comes............

Today's plan

2006-03-31T12:03:00.000+08:00

The thing in Rea life looks good on the surface. Constantly, occupied with Work, that earns her a pittance in pay. Does she enjoy work? Well, only a little. The motivation at work would be the people, and it is also the people who make work completely unbearable. It’s quite a paradox really.

Though she doesn’t know it, today Rea’s day is about to be the same as the last. Except more productive. She is going to ignore, the two people who irritates (J&S) her most. She will go to work fresh and lively, QC her items worked yesterday once that is done, she will pick up a total of 7 items to work. She will forgo her breaks as usual, as the workload is too high and it’s not the matter of one person skipping the breaks; as everyone is called to pitch in their break times too.

After the tiring day at work, she will then proceed to the futsal pitch and practice till 4 in the morning. It’s not much of a life. But it’s the one Rea knows now. The one she will need to live out until the next great big CHANGE occurs.

I wonder what will be next.

A moment

2006-03-31T11:52:00.000+08:00

Stop stop.

There is this person at the office that is irritating me.

The other day, B threatened me about something. It’s not something big, just a small thing; it’s a threat nonetheless. Tried confronting her about it; to discuss it but she kept avoiding the topic. She even pretended it was fine. That’s quite typical of her, as I have not seen her solve things in the duration of knowing her. I let it slide, yesterday some other thing happened which lead me to the conclusion that she is keeping it inside and hating me while pretending things are fine.

I really don’t know how to live like that. Am about to find out if I have what it takes to be fake as well. Sigh*

Things at work – not great

Things with irritating people – the guy mentioned in the last blog S and B not great at all

Things to be thankful for – everything.(bad and good, teaching me a lesson in life)

Things to look forward to - upcoming 4 days 3 nights trip

A day at a time

2006-03-28T12:32:00.000+08:00

Today’s plan…
Well, I am going to work, am going to pick up
assign 2 work items to my name. Then I am going to check the work I did yesterday. To ensure no errors were made.

Then I am going to work on those two items, real slow ensuring that I don’t make any silly errors. Once that is done, I am going to go off for lunch. Once, I’ve had my lunch; will work on my portion of the checks done on a daily basis. Then pick up another two items. Then, I’ll call it a day. Today is not to rush. I think.

It’s to really enjoy work. Once I reach home Z-man will give us a massage!

Today's Plan

2006-03-28T02:04:00.001+08:00

Well, I am going to work, am going to pick up assign 2 work items to my name. Then I am going to check the work I did yesterday. To ensure no errors were made.

Then I am going to work on those two items, real slow ensuring that I don’t make any silly errors. Once that is done, I am going to go off for lunch. Once, I’ve had my lunch; will work on my portion of the checks done on a daily basis. Then pick up another two items. Then, I’ll call it a day. Today is not to rush. I think.

It’s to really enjoy work. Once I reach home Z-man will give us a massage!

So far....

2006-03-28T02:04:00.000+08:00

Yay, settled the business of looking for a new room fairly quickly this time around. Its’ only RM300 slightly pricier than the last; but hopefully there will be no madwoman shouting at me OR judging me.The place seems like a winner will blog more on that at a later date.

Browse through the blogs of some of the people I know, or am acquainted with at work.
Realize an eerie thread of similarity in all their blogs. They all seem lonely and unhappy and are searching for something. It’s weird really we are all wired to the World Wide Web and yet we are alone living in one own pockets of loneliness.

Now something happened at work, I think this person dislikes me or feels spiteful towards me went on messenger to try and talk it out but guess the person’s asleep cause there’s no reply. Sigh.

Anyway, I am sleepy so am going to head for the bathroom and then turn in for the night.

Nightmare experience

2006-03-21T13:03:00.000+08:00

The dream home turned out to be manned by a lunatic!!

When I moved in, I queried the rules & regulations of the place cause the previous owner didn’t let me have anyone over.

Well the ‘lady’ ( I am using the term very loosely here) said that it was ok for me to bring my bf over as she is open minded. No rules as they are all adults. OK yahoo awesome, so I moved in. Officially, I started bunking over there on the 13th of this month. Didn’t see much of here tho.cause of my work hours. Leaving at 12.30 noon and coming back at 1 am to 3a/m depending if I stayed late to finish work up or if I went out for supper with Z-man.

Seemed fine really, this Saturday I went to matta fair with my friends (will put that in an entirely different blog). And brought them home to see my room. Well mistake number one didn’t call in to tell her I was bringing friends. Sigh* my bad wasn’t thinking straight.

She barged into my room. In a loud and angry voice stated that we won’t work out together as asked me to move out. What a shocker. Cause well I brought two girl friends home and they were the nice types, considerate quiet we didn’t make a ruckus when we went in or even when we were in the room.

Anyways, we all were stunned for a while. When I asked V if I should go and clarify?
So I went downstairs to apologize because she seemed mad at me, as well as to see what the problem was. And she shouted at me some more! Saying that she knew my character and to get out of her house. And then that I was a bad person and she didn’t want me in her home. (a bit shocked really how do u know my character when all I did was sleep and get ready for work? And the only thing I did wrong was bring friends over? Which you didn’t forbid in the beginning so technically I did not break any rules?)

Sent my very horrified friends off.

Amidst all this she shouted at me a few more times as her puppy escaped from the back porch to the front and she was mad at me. And told me to get lost and out of her sight!

Dear God, in all my life I have never been treated this way. I was so scared and in tears trying to make sense of it all. Z-man came to fetch me.

She was also unreasonable when I wanted to move some of my things out the next day.* well i did go after midnight hehehe it was raining all day,so moving was not an option furthermore i needed to scout for a new place all day* i just wanted to remove my soft toys, my bean bags and my pasports jewellary ( the door doesn't have a lock, so it's practically opened and she has entered my room a few times when i was not around)She made a big fuss.

she didn’t want to allow z-man up to help me move my things the next day.And said she would throw my things out for me.I was truly upset. She refused to talk reason. I have never seen people like that before, No matter how angry a person is once they have cooled off we can usually talk things out and settle things amicably. ifwe agree to disagree its fine, we part company nicely. This ‘lady’ made up her mind about me (that hurts) and just refused to even listen. *is that why she is still single and have 4 dogs for company?*makes a person wonder. In all honesty, the first impression i got was a nice person who was capable of rational adult behaviour. I was fooled!

This ‘lady’ is 48 years old and single. I And worse she owns her own business. She wasn’t what I expected her to be like. In all actuality I came away thinking, Initially when I moved in, she is a lonely person and now she is a lunatic. I thank God I moved out. And out of charity I paid her half month rent. As I didn’t want to spend time arguing with her. I am venting here hoping that I will feel better.

After all that’s been said and done I can’t get over this bitter taste in my mouth and the angertoo.
Maybe venting helps only to a certain degree.

sick!

2006-03-13T00:17:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 13 March 2006
Was sick on Wednesday, with a high fever; which sorted itself out by Thursday morning.
Went to work and it reared its ugly head, giving me the worst day at work ever. Went to the doctors after work, it was 1am so that makes it Friday morning. The doctors recorded a temp of 39.3 degree’s celcius. And caution that it was due to a slight case of throat inflammation. So there. Went home at 3am rested till about 11am. Called my boss to tell him I couldn’t possibly go to work.

On Friday night started heaving and purging. It was awful so on Saturday morning I went back to the same clinic but this time I was attended to by a lady doctor in early 40s. And she said, ‘you have food poisoning’. And I was a little baffled cause when I first had the fever, I didn’t have a tummy upset whatsoever, z-man thinks maybe it’s because of the medication (allergy and such).

So to clarify, I asked her what is the connection between the throat inflammation and poisoning and she was dismissive and unconcerned when she told me that ‘it’s food poisoning didn’t I just tell you, its’ food poisoning’

When asking for clarification she just looked down and snubbed me!

Just because I am using a company medical card you don’t have to be rude!
Or is it just because these doctors are all like that?
Sweeping statements I know, but don’t take my word for it, this site is for me to vent!
Urgh. So spent the whole bloody weekend purging and puking. Some weekend. It’s now Monday! Argh! In a couple more hours I will need to get ready to work! Why do I do this again”?

Venting

2006-03-08T01:35:00.000+08:00

Frustrated – Work
Work wise- very frustrated.
When faced with frustration, maybe it’s not so wise to focus on the work. Focusing on the bright side of things or rather concentrate on a change of attitude.

It would be best, then to accept that many things at work can’t be affected or changed overnight. Will also need to learn to view things in a detached way.

Frustrated – Relationship
Maybe being too close with Z-man and seeing Z-man too often have killed the spark a little. I am not sure, but there are days where I wish to just get away to my own space and I am quite certain he feels that way too. Hopefully, I can move to my new place this weekend.
That would certainly be helpful.

lazing about

2006-03-04T17:40:00.000+08:00

A nice weekend to stay at home and rest.
Have been watching last exile today http://www.tokidokijournal.com/anime/lastexile/
Had bubble tea too. nice nice.

Inner Tumult

2006-03-03T01:53:00.000+08:00

Got of work on Tuesday at 12a.m and reached home at 1.00am. Woke up at 5am went to work early. Attended Ash Wednesday mass.

Heard about what happened at work. Somewhat heart sick.

Made a huge decision today.
Moving into a new place this Sunday.
Glad it’s within my budget.
Glad it has some puppies for me to play with.
Hope I made the right decision.

Feeling miserable that I didn’t make up my mind sooner.
The slightly larger room was taken by someone else. Only 20 bucks difference.
* Dear Lord, help me have the courage to change the things I can and grace to accept the things that I can't.

Blah.

2006-02-22T04:09:00.000+08:00

Everything seems so bleak. Just thinking about work, makes me squirm.
The worst thing is the people. sigh*

The Green Eyed Monster

2006-02-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

The Green Eyed Monster rears its ugly head!

God help me deal with this negative emotions welling up inside me.
Bad mouthing this person; no matter how bitchy and horrid she is won't change the situation. Please give me the strength to accept that You have other plans for me. Have felt Your wondrous presence throughout my life, Your guiding hands and Your healing touch. Please dear Lord, continue watching over me. Please make my heart and ears light to hear the prompting of Your voice. Amen

** Thank you Lord for Granting another blessing with my brother Aaron, please Lord, only, with Your Grace does things happen.***

Career apprehensions

2006-02-18T01:23:00.000+08:00

Wonderful, Shawn is on talking terms with me sans emotional scenes/chats. We just continued chatting as if nothing happened. This is wonderful.

Ironically, he complained of another colleague; who has his exact attitude. It was really hard trying to keep a straight-face as he described his difficulty with this co-worker! It felt like he was describing himself. Only I know the chick too. Hehehehe~

Work on Friday, was truly hectic. I strived to achieve my personal goals and I was pleasantly surprised to see how far I managed.

I want to be in the management level soon. I started work in this company on the 14th February 2005, as an executive. By August 2005, I was selected out of 230 people to represent the company to UK. When I came back I had the task of training the entire team of 230 people. Now that was amazing. I was the only one selected, I felt really honored and happy. Then there were loads of tears, whoever said growing and learning is easy; would have been either very blessed or very stupid.

The trip was in Oct’05. I had a miserable time. I was lonely. Tried my best to embrace life in UK, but having been there for my studies (BSc Materials Engineering), I found no solace going back. I found it tough and the people cold. Maybe, it was the company or maybe it was JUST me.

I learnt a lot about the product, asked loads of questions and when I came back to Malaysia, trained all fellow colleague on this new product. Currently am fulfilling the role of point of reference as well as dept trainer. It is truly challenging but I want a promotion. Some may say I am too ambitious but it’s now been exactly a year and I am now able to apply for any new positions. Wish me luck. I am scared.

Self-doubt! I fear it’s holding me back

Angst

2006-02-16T02:18:00.000+08:00

Is pouring out all my thoughts here the best possible therapy for now?
Gosh, wish I knew. Feel so frustrated working at the office
How bad do I feel now? 80% rotten and 60% angry! 100% frustrated.

A sense of unfairness and being used and seeing others doing what’s they shouldn’t and getting away with it set’s my teeth on edge.

Venue: My work station guy in next table, harping about his errors to somebody else.
Basically all he talks about the past week.
My mistake opening my big mouth.
Conversation *Gist of it anyway*

Me: Shawn, can u stop talking about your errors you are making too big a deal of it.
Shawn: Excuse me I wasn;t talking to you
Me {stubborn and retorted} : Yeah well I can still hear you and you have been talking about it all the time.
Shawn: Ya day a da yda…Me : You’re being rude!
Shawn : Well I wasn’t talking to you…Me : Well I can still hear you.Shawn : Everything I do you complain.
ME (should have shut up there) but didn’t stupidity! : Compromise, you don’t talk about your errors and I don’t complain about you.
*Wondering what the heck do I complain about u anyways? I only ticked you off once for not referring but then that was your job and I am in charge in that aspect and I did it in a nice way too. Wondering what else…hmm? Nothing Shesh …

Shawn – well he is my age. Talks a lot. Nice guy actually kind of good looking.
Bad points? Harps about being honest to him, and wanting people to tell him to his face about stuff but the bottom line is? He can’t take the facts he’d argue and make a big emotional scene thingie. Hard really; amazingly. Others feel the same so I don’t feel so alone or biased in this. The fact that I am too tired to attempt to even talk to him and explain anything to him should be self-explanatory. There was an incident quite a while back where he was behaving badly, and then he changed albeit slightly. But realize he didn’t change that much. The only upside was he wasn’t in our face anymore so it wasn’t evident that he didn’t change. One thing for sure, if anyone wanted to vote for the best male Whiner in the group? I’d nominate him and I am sure he would win hands down!

What would I do if he read this? Feel really embarrass and rather he didn’t cause then he would insist on an emotional chat and bring up his defensive responses before even acknowledging that they may be a problem. I can’t deal with this shit.

Resolution: To be polite but distant from this person. Don’t want to waste too much time on this.

How do I feel now? 20% rotten, 10% angry, 50% frustrated.

Happy Valentine Day

2006-02-14T15:46:00.000+08:00

Happy Valentines Day

Don’t really understand all the anti-valentine’s day sentiment going around.
Some say it’s crass and yet others claim it’s too commercialized. Those are fair statements to make; to each his own opinion. Basically every February, across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones.

It's a nice thing though. A special time; to cherish, to thank, to appreciate the person who made you the star of their lives. Some may argue that these things can be done at any point of time and does NOT have to fall on Valentines day. That is so true. How many of us out there do it all the time, how many of use remember to say ‘I love you’ to those who means the most to us everyday? That’s why events like today, helps reminds us of the important things in life, the same applies for Mother’s day, Father’s day etc, it’s just another day where we are reminded of the sacrifices, heart-ache, joys and love we receive from those around us. A gentle reminder to appreciate, respect and Love those who tirelessly loves us.

Whoever said Valentines Day was just for couples and spurns everything on Valentines Day is sadly missing out on the good things in life. I hate the sentiment that Valentines Day equals to the spending of an obscene amount of money due to a hike in prices by commercial sectors. Do something small something that is within the budget. Have learnt through the hard way, it’s not what you get but why you got it and who you are giving it too. So to everyone out there, A very happy Valentine’s Day! *hugs*

Freedom of choice^

2006-02-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

Essentially we all want to win, either to make more money, or be successful in life; to have a wonderful family, have a great relationship, or an amazing career.

How we go about it depends on the type of person we are and how lucky we are. Some call it being in the right place at the right time. Some call it doing the right things at the right time. Yet others call it having the right attitude.

Whatever it is, I wonder if I am doing the right thing or am I wasting time. Am I in the right place? Am I doing the right thing? Will I look back and sigh with regret of all the opportunities I have missed, the different paths that I failed to explore.

Everything you do in life consists of a series of decisions, these decisions will then affect then outcome of the things you do. The fear of failure, of being perceived as a failure is holding me back. All this while I was so busy telling people who I am, and in doing so was trying so hard to be the perfect me that I have allowed fear into my life that I have forgotten about living.

This constant fear, has held me back from making decisions, by not making a decision and letting things run it’s course, I have inadvertently allowed my decisions to be made for me. Or worse still I have decided not to care. Indeed I have made the decision to NOT DECIDE anything.

With today’s jarring discovery I am now resolute to take an active part in life, MY OWN LIFE. To learn the art of making Informed decisions, from the small things right up to the big things in life. The fear of making the wrong decision is sending bile up my throat. What if I live to regret some of these decisions? Andrea! Decisions are a part of life and so are regrets. It’s not possible for anyone to claim that they have nothing to regret. That would be too flippant about their life. Nobody can be that dismissive!

So as of now, I am going to roll up my socks and start on this long and potentially disastrous path of self-help.

Work and I...

2006-02-12T19:25:00.000+08:00

I have a confession to make.
A couple of weeks back I turned up an oppty to take up a business management course at work. Now a girl I strongly dislike and am somewhat jealous of was one of the few that managed to snag the deal.

I feel an intense sense of jealousy that she got it. I feel really low about myself that I wish she didn’t get it at all. You’d probably think less of me too. Seems to me I am behaving and feeling like one of those bitches* you usually see in teen flicks.

Am trying to shake off the feeling but it sure is hard. I am now openly acknowledging that I am angry that she got it, and it’s normal to feel upset when you see someone you dislike make it in life.

It’s also much better to understand that she made it on her own effort; furthermore, I shouldn’t be that concerned about what she is doing and etc. I should be concentrating to achieve excellence on my end. I am now a trainer, looking at things objectively what do I plan to achieve what are my goals?

1. To help put things in perspective?

2. To learn the proper protocol at work.

To learn the proper things to say and do to get ahead

3. To find a mentor to be molded and learn

4. To achieve management level in the next 6 months. (Its scary putting it here like this; it seems like an impossible task)

In my life.

2006-01-23T13:20:00.000+08:00

My weekend

Things are good in general. We went to genting highlands yesterday. it is definately fun to go with him. But i messed up cause i couldn't keep the horrid office politics of my mind. It made me moody and sulky.That was my fault really.

Then some of the ride operators at the theme park was rude and unhelpful. This chinese lady in the indoor theme park ticket counter was hanging on her hp the whole time, while the other girl with a sign in front of her counter saying counter close 'was pretending to be busy'. This malay boy, was so blur when we asked if the all park tickets covered all the featured attractions. And he said' ha? ah? apa?' so then i reverted to malay and said does this mean we can play everything including sky venture? and the enlighment dawned and he started naming the few that can't be played. so great, we went out we learnt that we have to pay an additional 10 for the flying coster. well, info inaccurate there!!

That was fine, for unknown reasons the ride at dinosourland was attendentless so we couldn't play that. It rained so we headed into the indoor park. No complaints there, we went for the motion master, the bumper cars ( have a query, there is a kid bumnmper car section but all the kids are at the adult section whats up with that? but i guess the tots wanted to be with their parents siblings etc). 8ish, walked back to the outdoor park again, wanting to play the boating games, there was like paddling and bumper boats. However, there again was no attendent there. I wonder why? The ticket said 10.00pm. told myself, that maybe it didn't apply to the water games as it might be dangerous. Then at 9.30 we wanted to take the monorail and was informed in a very dismissive way that it was closed. The all ticket park was suppose to allow us to play till 10pm. why did the monorail service end early? Why wasn't an adequate explanation given?

Alas, giving myself up to the poor service level, i resigned myself to take follow my boyfriends suggestion to go for a cable car ride, that was fun. An hour to and from Gotong Jaya to Genting and vice versa.

Tada, bought tickets for a 1.30 am show in the cineplex. So we headed off to have dinner at KFC. By, 11.45pm we had time to kill so we went to the arcades the practived this easy card thingie where instead of token's we had to pay a minimum of 10 ringgit and additional 3 ringgit for the card. It's a touch-and-go token card. I tot tat was so cool cause you don't have to lug around the tokens. Kudos to whoever who tot it up!! Then, it happened again, the games were dysfunctional, the techinician guy was helpful letting us play other ganes instead, but if they knew the games were faulty they should just put sign boards up. Then when it was time to leave we tried to redeem the 3 bucks in exchange for the card and was told by the very very unhelpful staff, come tomorrow. NOw cannot as it's too late. I wished they posted adequate signboards saying that there was a time limit. I know its only three bucks but it further added to the feeling of being short-changed by this profilic theme park!! A formal complaint has been lodged on its website. Lets see what kind of re-con service do they have.

F.E.A.R
Am playing a new game. Its super scary and good. Its hard too. I has the jap eerie ghost element to it. super fun.recomending to all hard core gamers

Why do we write?Questions for me, help someone.

2006-01-08T22:00:00.000+08:00

Why do we really write in here actually? For a chance to be recognized? A chance to have our thoughts read? By whom and why? Questions like these are hard to answer. Even harder to rationalize. Who are we justifying things to and why?

This can be a really serious blog. Don't intend to. It might just be the way it turns out. Maybe we may come up with some insightful thoughts and wonder about it.

spent a lil time browsing some blogs in the rice bowl journals. Many of these young people; people who are near my age have so much. I am trying to build myself, my carreer, buy an apartment, house or create an investment and nothing is happening. I save like mad. I earn a pittance by most people's standards. I have bread and oats most days and i still pile on the weight. Argh* my room is the barest of all. And i still don't have enough money. It's truly horrible. At least i am blessed with a boyfriend who loves me and spending time at his place lessens how horrid my rented place feels like. I need to move out.

New year resolution

save at least 20% of my pay.
watch wat i eat and eat sensibly.
do something new - productive with my life.
earn more money.

First Day of Work 2006

2006-01-03T13:17:00.000+08:00

This is so exciting. The first day of work in the year 2006, my diet gets monitored all over again. Yes, am no longer binging. It's a start of a beautiful new year. So I must watch the fat gain. I have a waist the size of 32 and that is huge.

I have to conduct training today. It's for 8 persons and its' at 4pm. it's soooo exciting. Hope it goes well. Decided to write something more profound and thought provoking in the near future.

Musings~

2006-01-02T19:31:00.000+08:00

Voices in my head

On this matter, I have decided to keep an open mind. I am getting really frustrated with reading things online. It all deals with how it happens and the hundred theories on why it happens. I don’t know if I fit into any of the know criteria of how it happens and how it should be. But I do know that not much is said on how it’s to be fixed,

So, seeing that I am not sure at all I have set up an appointment to see a therapist to diagnose my condition. Sigh* money blown away again.

Work life

Hmm, so interesting I am so busy training this days that there’s so much to do and plan. It’s like a dream come true. There’s nothing I want to change. The only thing I can do is to pray that I do the right thing. Training is quite tough. Especially when I am aim to make sure that everyone takes home information, and see the examples in an applicable manner and not something that they just see in classroom training. It’s challenging when you’re training a group of people you already know. However it does have it’s benefits as they tend to more co-operative too.

Relationship

With family, well as usual feel like I need to take more interest and take more effort with those at home. Sending SMS, to check how they are and update ourselves on whats going on. Zac baby? Things are good he understands me. In so many ways and he is so understanding. I have shown him everything and he has not rejected me, ridiculed me or even spurned me. He has been an excellent sounding board, and voice of reason in my daily thoughts and struggles. I have learnt how to deal with things from his example.

Summary

Am extremely happy with way things are. I just want to keep thanking God for his wonderful love and letting me know that he is present in my life so clearly. It's truly amazing.

2005-12-31T13:25:00.001+08:00

10.40 p.m spending this new years eve at home....So decided to recap what I did this year.May not remember them in the exact order,may not even get all the major event down but i am just going to write them down anyway!

Jan'05: Worked at a resort back home. It was tiring and had minimum wages but i was glad for the income it provided while i was waiting for a proper job. I felt good that I wasn't sponging off mom and dad.JOined the Gym.Yay,celebrated Chinese New Year. moved into my rented room on

Feb '05:.Started my first day at my company on the 14/02/05. I had zac with me. I love him.

March' 05:Mom's birthday, hmm don't recall much about this month.Oh Yeah, went to Midvalley - Shakeys for farewell party. we had a party to mark the end of the company Induction team.

April'05 :Officially started working, was finally out of the training period. NO more classroom training. HAd our T4, BBQ it was excellent.

May' 05 :Hmm mother day celebration, the youth of immaculate conception church contacted me. They asked for my assitance to head the mothers day flower sale project. I agreed to do so only on the condition that they co-operated and pick up everything i tell them. As i might not be around to do it the next year.Joined the company Recycling poster campaign. I won first place and had my name and face published in the company magazine!

June'05: Madness.Went to Genting Highlands, with the bunch of maniacs.My workmates are fast turning into my friends.July'05Exciting times. Things seemed to go well with everything.Attended a life in the spirit seminar in Seremban.

August'05: My birthday! As well a gazillion other august babies. It seems that there are truly many babies born in August. Zac suprised me with a romantic,cute and funny birthday celebration. I loved it.

Sept'05 :OMG, was selected to head on to leeds for training. ME!!! Yay! Went to Thailand for my holiday of the year. I learnt a lot about myself.It was wonderful. The hotel, the massages, the food!!!sheer heaven and affordable too!Company Annual DInner

Oct'05: My first bussiness trip!!! Off to UK, . Amazing, learnt a lot. Wished that i learnt more things.Group Annual Dinner

Nov'05 :Back with an endless rush of training conducted and reports written.A whole new experience.

Dec'05 : OUting with MAlar & Jas. Wow. I love them. They are amazing friends.Zac's b;day.Christmas in PDAttended team dinner at Jasmines house. She is a wonderful cook.Handling other non uk trip related training. Wow, does this mean I am branching out. Thank God, for those who have faith in me. Please dear Lord, guide me. Pls. do not let their confidence and trust in me not go to waste. Amen.Fruitful Year, yes definately.

******
Thank you, as i reflect i think I am truly blessed, I see God's hands and help at every turn. I am happy.
******

Taking stock.

2005-12-31T13:25:00.000+08:00

Hmm, i have always argued with myself. To decide whats wrong and whats right, which option i would like to take. What food to eat, which course of action to take.

There are 3 person whom i always argue with.1. Preincess2.Esther3.Baiby.
Well at least thats how i put them in categories when i am arguing out points in my life.

These days? They are always arguing even tho i don't want to things to be discussed!

Anyways, I have decided that it's probably not MPD. It's just the way i put aside feelings and pent up anger. So in Esther would be the negative, violent, pessimistic side of me. THen i have put preincess as the one who does everything in a high-and-mighty manner. she is the nice one. spoilt brat but nice. Baby, well all things babyish i guess.
sigh* i am going to see someone this month. A therapist who should be able to help me. :)

Thats all for now.
_________________________________________________
On a separate note : HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

helping me

2005-12-28T12:18:00.000+08:00

I suspect that I have MPD. A big bold statement. I dont have any supporting evidence of this though. There are times when i do know it's not me who is there. I have been goin g through the net trowling for information but there is so much there. I just googled it and there are so many that it just turns me off.
So many school of thoughts and so many definations. I know i am not sick then and there are others out there.
It's trully frightening as I think I am going mad. Many of the sites i read says that when you have multiple personality disorder you do not remeber what you do. Well, i am not so sure about that. As i do vaguely remember things that I do. Will tackle this issues as best as i could.
I hope to find a really good resource centre and read up more on it. I am also concious that by reading it i might be adding it to my own situation. And that is something i really want to avoid.

Merry Christmas

2005-12-23T20:59:00.000+08:00

merry christmas

may this season be filled with things that matters to you.
should you need anything do feel free to e-mail me.

xXxXx
Meme

Misery

2005-12-07T03:07:00.000+08:00

07/12/2005 3.00 a.m.
Hmm, I wonder... Currently, I am at His place, in his room while he is in the hall watching TV. I missed him. Its good that we are together, in the same house.Just not beside each other. Each doing thier own thing. He is so busy & so cranky & very moody.I am faced with the same dilema again. Why do I even want to see him when I know he is that busy with the his work-load and all? Why do I push myself forward for attention which is grudgingly given. Sigh* it's obvious sigh* He wants to give me what I want and think *shudder* need. However, he just can't split himself in too many ways. The work thing is weighing greatly on his mind.

Is it because I have come to depend on him to fill my time. If so, isn't that unhealthy? I wonder how many bloggers out there feels the same way. When you spend too much time at another person's place that you come to depend on that someone for company and companionship.What happens when they tire of you? When they have other things to do?, Well, some of us have family, others buddies and good friends, then there is the significant other.

Awoke from sleep for the third time since going to bed at 1.20am earlier and as i turned towards him I realized that he isn't in the room. I am hit by this sense of acute loneliness. When i am back in my own room, i console myself when I wake up from these nightmares;i can hug him and feel comforted. When I am here in his room even that seems like a dream and illusion even. To be fair he was there throughout the previous nite, when i woke up. I guess he just needs a break away from work and from me. sometimes I wish that i can have a break away from myself.It's complicated.

Sigh* He is leaving for Cambodia next Tuesday, he should be back by the following saturday,i wouldn't be here. I am thinking of going back to mom's this weekend as well. At least then i won't feel so lonesome. The plan to hook up with my ex who is also a close friend doesn't seem like a good idea now.Especially if i am spending the nite at his place. I don't want to explore where that would lead, it would just further complicate my life. Complication is just something I rather avoid at this point of time.

This brings me to a really sad realization. I don't have much of a life nor do I have any friends to hang out with. I just have the person I am going out with at this point of time, and erm...workmates thats it. It's horrible. I wish I knew how to keep friends and contacts. Sigh*

Wish i had a clue, what the hell am i looking for and what the hell am i doing these days.

Monday is a HOLIDAY...

2005-12-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

Yay, finally that one off day sigh* wish i had more time to plan for it tho. As it is Z-man is going to be working like a dog that day so Monday is for my spa at slimming sanctuary. I hope it's good seeing that i blew 578.00 on it. sigh*

Z-man has been great fixing up a pc for me, and buying a dvd player as well so that i won't be bored at home. Apart from that news that he is heading of the Cambodia for a 4 day stay came as a shock. he says he has mentioned it but i have no recallation of it. Must be old age.

10.50pm Sunday 4/12/2005

in the quest to loose weight i have given up rice for 6 days a week. Pretty impressive no? However, can' t see any result (have been at it for a week). Well i have until Dec 20th, so off with rice in with ORGANIC hopefully it will help me. I can't loose this bet as there is too much at stake. Am not taking the all or nothing attitude tho. It's more like moderation and extra care in curbing myself from binging on cakes and such. It's not easy at all. I hate cliche's that people spout when i am trying to loose weight. Makes me want to take those words and shove it down their throats. Truly, my violent streak just burst out when people with holier-than-thou come about and start preaching. Strikes me as pretty weird that the whole world *exaggeration* seems to be full of these people.

Hmm, feel really weird when some people who use to find you interesting starts feeling bored with you. Impatient and sick of you. It's really uncomfartable when they don't hide it and decide to pull faces. This happens with V-chick. Well she use to be really chummy and nice and all but lately i sense that she doesn't like my attitude, humor or whatever anymore. She pulls faces and is quite sarcastic in her answers to my smart-ass quips. Have decided to ignore her and put it down to oversensitivity. However, having decided that, on the very same evening she pulled me aside as asked me if I had any problem with her. Being a coward i said no nothing. sigh* hypocrite. yeah uh thats me. anyways thats all for now. i am tired. wanna go play some mind-numbing computer game.

^by word^

2005-11-27T18:31:00.000+08:00

Hmm stress is the by word this weekend, discovered attitude flaws and characteristic that needs improving in my person. Don’t know how to go about improving it though. Am very interested to fix it tho.

Also seem to realize my fuck* the world attitude does not suite my 24 years of age anymore. Should act abit more mature these days as I am constantly watch especially in the work place. Sigh. Worse still my actions seems magnified now that I am in a position. People are telling me to tone down to calm down to be more professional. Taking it as positive feedback but can’t shrug off the feeling that it’s a criticism of self. Argh… ok off to bed now. Nite. Cousins are ver at mt place plenty of fun.

tell me...

2005-11-23T20:31:00.000+08:00

I stress, i seriously stress.
here's how i
feel inside seen as a third party...feel this way or writing
helpful....

tell me, how is it that things are so unsettled within oneself? how is this
possible?

anyways, today she went to work. It felt like she didn't get any sleep; her eyes are so tired. Plus, what her baby tells her is unsettling. She just wants to hide and forget it but the evidence of things seen cannot be ignored nor can it be pushed aside any longer. Its' difficult thats for sure. That doesn't mean that she should just curl aways and whimper in fear. He says there are two sides of her when she sleeps. it's hard to reconcile this fact with what she knows and feels inside.
he says that there are two sides of her when she is asleep, a needy one, who wants him to hold her when she sleeps and then a violent one, who hates him and hurts him. It's weird really. But it may be true. if it is truly the way thing is then something needs to be done. how? have been giving it a lot of thought. need to think it through some more. sigh* if anyone out there who can help her, pls. do..........

she...

2005-11-22T18:35:00.000+08:00

She is feeling really weird. and a lil disconnected with everything.
She gets startled easily,
then finds everything seems surreal and scary.
she wished things would change and somehow they did,
she wanted to take charge, somehow it's hers
why then does it feel so hollow?
everything feels so sallow?
maybe...
she asked for too much...
she don't know.
she feels maybe this is the end..
she thinks it might be a beginning...
she is me.

FD dinner

2005-11-20T14:38:00.000+08:00

YAY!! Happy Birthday FD who turned 1 yesterday.
Fantastic, WOW, amazing. It's hard to believe that i have been with the company for 9 months already.

The dinner was such a success, as the food was good, there was enough to drink and then some. The people there were a laugh, they were oh so spontaneous and fun. I really had an amazing time. Will post the pictures up shortly.

ok something just spoiled my mood. bye i don't feel like blogging anymore.

Amen

2005-11-18T18:30:00.000+08:00

Thank you lord for another day gone by. It's with a grateful heart I end today. As it's another day with many things accomplished. I do wish that the headache would have gone away today, but it presisted as a dull throb most of the time. And i have a horrid low grade fever.

Aww, feeling sorry myself today cause of all the aches and pains.

A New Day

2005-11-18T05:16:00.000+08:00

Hmmm...a new day aye?
had weird dreams last night. At least they weren't really nightmares. It was disturbing a lil. Sigh* Its never ending all these things. Wish they would just sort themselves out as soon as possible.

Not really feeling all geared up to go to work, however am looking forward to occupying my time with something nice. So work will do. So much for passion, and drive. Hehehe...weird huh?

Still watching samurai champloo. So off for today. Wish me luck.

Disquiet

2005-11-17T17:43:00.000+08:00

Unsettled, troubled, ill at ease; these are but a few words to describe how I feel inside. It’s terrible really knowing that you feel this way, but only have a vague sense of what’s really causing them. This stops you from addressing it accordingly.

A web of deceit, some people live on it. Like that girl from work, She is so fake. I know I shouldn’t be bothered about it but its irks me no end to see the way people are reacting and just letting her have her way. Is it because I am not pretty enuff or is it because I don’t’ want to achieve things by sucking up to people. Either way. It sucks.

Apart from that, Yay, this Saturday is the company’s annual dinner. We all had to fork out money for it. Sad isn’t it? I think it is really. Sigh.

Oh, I have been really busy lately. Working up to 12 hours everyday. When I brought this up to one of the supervisors working with me and what the person said was, “ you shouldn’t mention it. If you bring up anything about overtime or compensation you wouldn’t go far in the company. There is always someone else who can do what you are doing and are willing to’ Sigh*the corporate world of mine. Everyone is trying to work longer hours than the other just to get somewhere. Initiative they call it. I hate it really. How do you define work hours? I am the type of person who goes to work, and WORK. Now what do I mean by work? When I have a task I complete it, I don’t spend my time idle chit chatting and entertaining fellow colleague and bosses. Admittedly, I do talk to my friends but when it comes to the task at hand I usually choose to sit down and tackle it seriously. I have noticed that the higher up the management you go, the work method differs. Whereby they tend to chat more, I guess they have more issues to discuss.

Anyways, there are then those who comes 2 hours early, skip dinner and all breaks, goes back later than the normal work hours because they have too much to do. Imagine my surprise when I did a check on the actual things accomplished by this individual only to find that the person is working half the amount of what I do( mind you I do it in half the time.) And quality wise this person has some really serious issues!! Sigh, this person was then recognized by the company for all the hard work. It makes me grind my teeth. Sigh* I am being petty and jealous aren’t i? I should end it here. I don’t want to talk about this after today, nor do I want to blog it anywhere else. It just makes my blood boil.

Tata – enough on this issue. May the God Lord, make me visible and found worthy in the eyes that matters. Please help me find peace within my heart. May the Lord guide and strengthen me in all I do. May the Lord continue to shower me with His blessings and love. I make this short prayer in the name of Jesus Christ the Lord, AMEN!

another day...

2005-11-17T15:50:00.000+08:00

hello
I have many problems these days. Not really huge problems, they are more like petty concerns that seems to flit about in my mind. It's sad really. Most importantly I am happy with My Z man. He is nice. Good good, to me. sigh*

M has suggested a recomendation to a physciatrist. I have my reservations on this matter tho. sigh* anyways, over and out for now. :)

Training blues

2005-11-05T12:08:00.000+08:00

Frustration level has hit the max. Have been working 12 hours unpaid days for the past week. It's truly horrible. Don't see and end to this type of frustration at all. Its so difficult.
Today's training was cancelled>no one had the courtesy to inform me and my co-trainer about it. Imagine everyone of the participants knew about it but not us. So here we are two person looking like fools after putting in a 13 hours work yesterday arriving home at 12am.. waking up at 6am to ensure that we are in the office by 7.30am waited till 10 when the training was suppose to start at 9am, Running around like fools until was able to call the boss about it and was unduly informed that the training was cancelled after we left work. And the imediate question raised was why weren't we informed about the cancellation? it boiled down to ..someone was suppose too.
SIgh can't go home, as there is another group coming in to be trained at 3-8pm ARGH!!!!Shitty work place.

Here ...

2005-10-13T01:25:00.000+08:00

I have lots to write really. I am doing fine here. No mobile number this time tho. It's sad really. hehehe i can't call home or anything cause maxis is barred. can sms tho. it's so expansive it's RM 2.00 per sms. can u imagine. I can send 10 sms on a normal basis.

Anyways, my brother Jason was right. when he spoke to me on the phone. We hear a lot and feel a lot of pressure when we are faced with a new situation. Before I came to UK, I was very afraid about a whole lot of things. I had many concerns but now that I am here, everything seems to have faded into non-exsistence. So it goes to show it's all in your mind really.

Well, being on this end of work was quite an eye opener. The style of work here is so different from back home and learning more about the burecracy has made me frustrated. Sometimes its easier to be the little guy bitching about things then be the guy who is trying to change things cause then you really face all types of hurdles.

Have visited a few places since i came here. I like it a lot, Wish the exchange rate wasn't so high though. Its so expansive to stay here. But then again i am glad that i have the oppty to come back to England. I have always wanted to since i was here to study. Hmm the firewall in here doesn't let me open my friendster.

* miss zac to a certain extent. Especially when i get back to my room. I really do .
Well thats it for now, will gripe more when i have time. (something which i don't have much really!)

Excitement, Nervousness, Anxiety all Rolled into ONE.

2005-10-04T00:27:00.000+08:00

I am so anxious about this trip to UK, I havent planned anything yet. Haven't even packed my things yet. Tomorrow.. I will have to wake up early. Plane leaves at 11.30pm from KLIA. I am so excited and scared.

'overwhelmed'

2005-09-29T16:21:00.000+08:00

I feel like crying. Does it matter?
It’s like walking on eggshells since we came back from the great Bangkok trip.
Constantly moody, snappish and easily irritated. That’s how he is these days. I try not to say or do anything that might annoy him but nothing I do is right.

Coping with month end work stress, irritating colleagues, planning for the company annual dinner, trying to plan a trip to PD to see mom on Sunday and come back up to kl on the same day cause I have to work on Monday, and the prospect of going to UK with all the responsibility that comes with it seems so overwhelming. But it’s not something I can discuss with him when he seems to be caught up in his own trouble. Trying to talk to him about his troubles is such a waste of time because he doesn’t want to.

Today was given added work, was told that I am to prepare a 10 minute presentation for the next day, they only gave it to me at 5.30pm and I wasn’t able to start on it at all as I had other things to work. I got of work at 11pm. And it’s already 1.12am and I just started. The worst part is it’s a stupid company policy that we can’t bring any memory sticks etc to work, nor are we allowed to access the internet on the floor and introduce it to out system so I can’t work out the power point now. I will have to get the information, put it in a mock power point, practice it to get the timing right. Then go to the company again tomorrow 2 hours early and put it all up. It all feels so tiring.

It’s like being caught between a cliff and a hard place. You don’t have a choice but to hang in there. But choosing to hang in there is a choice on its own isn’t it?

Why haven’t I blown up for being treated so shabbily? Why do I put up with it? Cause I care and I don’t want to see him unhappy or irritated. Apart from that I am feeling so very guilty for causing us to miss our flight the other day which put a damper to the beginning of our holiday together. I am tired. I feel so very tired and there’s a lump at the back of my throat and all my sadness is all there in a ball and it’s going to explode. Tonight I just feel like curling into a ball and crying my eyes out or until it feels better. I want a hug.

I can’t continue this, I need to go work on the presentation now. Nites.

Reporting from N'drea land.

2005-09-25T23:07:00.000+08:00

25/09/2005
Ah, I had to help auntie out at the food court she manages. It’s quite tiring. It was a favor. Sigh, I am currently following the Japanese anime Naruto I find it extremely fun to watch.

The Thailand experience was one in a million. I was really impressed by the luxurious resorts out there. It's so nice. I wished I knew how to speak Thai. Sigh* Lord, I can’t believe my week long holiday is over and i go back to work tomorrow. It’s not something that I look forward to. I am sure many people will share that feeling with me, when it comes to returning to work after a long vacation. I am really happy with everything. However, it made me realize that some things will always be the same no matter where you go. Like scam jobs and people waiting to take advantage of the naive.
I am very happy; the only sad thing in my mind is that I didn’t really buy anything. I didn't bring enough cash I guess. Sigh* and I really didn't know what to get. Maybe next time I should really plan my purchases. Damm I had a manicure, and the polish is already chipped and peeling in a thousand places. I wish I could get rid of it but I am at my bf's place and hehehe I would really be surprised if he had nail polish remover. His sister is not at home so I can't ask her.

Tomorrow i need to go out early, yeah. .. I need to make the sandwiches which i bring which i will be bringing for the surprise Cindy party, and the durian candy I bought from Thailand as well as the chiffon cake I bought. I hope it's enough.

Dear Lord, I don't know what to do. Sigh* I want to write some things churning inside y heart but I don't know how to say it. Maybe I am afraid if i put it in writing i will need to face the things I have been avoiding ask this while. Sigh* somehow, putting it off doesn't seem like a good idea but I can't bring myself to do something about it.

frustration

2005-09-25T11:26:00.000+08:00

It gets really funny sometimes. You don't really see someone's true colours until you go on a really long vacation with them even then you might or you might not.
Somehow he seems more abrupt and impatient somehow. still loving. Easily irritated. SO sad.

Office Rant

2005-09-11T12:38:00.000+08:00

Sigh.. I just went into so many other peoples blog. It made me realize that the topics here are so diverse. Some people have put up blogs about their interest.. like Candida, ceramic tiles, others have posted blogs on their children or pets. And then again I bumped into political sites, photography sites, gaming sites, even a site featuring chocolate recipes!!

Well my site isn’t about any of those things. It’s just a place to write about how I feel about stuff. Sometimes I find it easier to make sense out of things when they are in black and white. All spelled out to me. For starters I am learning a lot about office politics. Maybe because I have always had Vicky with me I didn’t really need to interact with the rest of the team all that much. When she went on a week of holidays I spoke to some other chickies on the team and learnt a lot.

Case 1.

A doesn’t like B, so she bitches about B a lot. I too find that b does get annoying sometimes but then again I concede no one is perfect so it’s natural that she should step on a few toes. But A really has a grudge against her. I listened and sympathies but I am thinking that was the wrong thing to do cause I seriously rather not get involved.

Oh and A also warned me about D. Saying that she is a naturally caring person but be careful. *cryptic really*

Case 2.

C doesn’t like D. she feels that since D has attained a new position, she has changed and is not being good. I think C is secretly envious of D’s position cause she always tot that she should be the one who got that new position in the first place. I feel D has changed a little but then again I realize that she can’t be chatting up with us all the time with all her new found responsibilities!!

So see? A is a very sensitive person who takes offence on any turn of the phrase and not only that she shows the world the sulky face and gives you the cold shoulder whenever she feels that you have deliberately offecnded her. Have put up with it for a long time excusing it by saying no one is perfect they all have little personality flaws… but dear Lord it ;s so tiring working with people like that. Where every sentence of yours can be taken out of context and make them sulk for hours even days.

I wish my baby will come back soon. So that I don’t have to face all these demented people. They make life miserable. Then again a part of me says I allow them to make my life miserable. So what I should do is just hit the ignore button and go on with me day!!!

-End of rant- Thank you for reading if indeed you have read thus far. Pls. leave you comments as to how you think I should cope with this.

sick^

2005-09-03T19:49:00.000+08:00

it all started innocently enuff. mom wanting me back this w/end. mom saying dad and her wants the bf to come by more often. had to talk him into it.

then today.. mentioned sis is back with friends he may need to share the brothers room. he wasn't too happy
started to sulk. wasn't in the mood to see him sulk. got angry instead
its my parents place, why is it such a big deal. went into a sulk of my own.
getting angrier by the minute. he promised to come. he said he would. sharing the room is just an inconvinience for one night. he is 27 he doesn't have to act like a kid. why is he doing this to me.
he suggested i take the train. i was getting annoyed. i said yes.

stormed in to the house. he left me in front of the tv to do this own things. i stewed, felt unloved.
i hate taking the public trasnport, try to do it only once, balancing going home with the company transport. now i have to take the damm train twice. ktm sucks the seats are uncomfartable and dirty. the engine switched of abruptly when it passes the housing areas. on sat if i am lucky i will get a seat.. if not i wll stand for 2 hours. feeling upset.

went into room to sleep. he had the tv on full blast, took some pain killers and clarinase for the sinus. nodded off, woke up very upset. asked to go home. he was r ude, sayin hurtful things, i got angry. he wanted me to be nice to him earlier when he was sulkin in the room.
i was angry i didn't. he blames me for it.

said things that hurt me. ask him to send me to my place, i didn;t want to remain here if it;s like this. he said he don't care , its not his problem, that hurt more than anything else. being made to told by someone else, i don't matter, its n echo of how i feel. so i .........

took 6 clarinase and 4 pain killers. feeling weird. a bit spaced out.

still feel hurt underneath it. the package says one every twelve hours.,,, don't knwo what will happen. maybe i die maybe i won't. kinda of don't care now.

i feel hurt. why is it teh one i chose to trust will always hurt me most.?

LSS~

2005-08-30T15:09:00.000+08:00

phew it was a truly tiring weekend. I went for a Life in the Spirit Seminar. It was truly amazing.
Tiring, oh so tiring but so amazing at the same time.
I dont' know what to say about it really. Did i experience anything ground shaking? Hmm not really, did I experience nothing ...not really. I didn't leave empty handed, thats for sure. If anything I saw glimpse of the effect of trusting God. Does that make sense?

Hmm... tired.

today worked. watched 'The Cave'.... ok out.

* Melancholy *

2005-08-26T02:50:00.000+08:00

Yeah it's 11.43am. it doesn't feel like i slept much today.
I just want to curl back into the bed and sleep some more.
Its a dull kind of feeling.
I am picking on my physical appearance again. I look so like shit.
Damm. Just learnt that they give special gifts if you attend 20 X group classes i so want to sign up.
I want free gifts from the stupid establishment. Ok i am like gonna be late for work if I don't hustle. So i am out of here. TO lets see....have my bath then go back to my place to get changed.

Hmm feel tired already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't sleep!!!

2005-08-25T15:31:00.000+08:00

Oh Lord, it's now like 3.30am and I still can't sleep. I am sleepy, tired, but my brain is still working. It's horrible. It's like it won't turn off!!!

Definitions of Insomnia on the Web: inability to sleep or to remain asleep throughout the night.

Going to get a massage and hopefully sleep!!!!

At work: ' keep your personal life -PERSONAL'

2005-08-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

People start blogging for a variety of reasons. Mine would be just that I am an attention hog and also blogging in a way ensure my privacy… where no nosy roommates, housemates, siblings can pry into my private thought. It’s so much easier to tell strangers things about yourself and what you are going through then actually telling those who are closest to you. I fear of being judged.

Just the other day I was talking to Shane, and what he told me really made a light bulb go ‘ting’ in my head. He and another chick were being trained for a position in the company. We were all level 8 staff, and they were being groomed as potential level 7 personnel’s. However, he made a mistake. Being so close to everyone he didn’t hide the fact that he was going through a rough patch with his then GF. When the management had a meeting they decided (one of the reasons that decided the choice) was that he was not stable. He seemed to be sad all the time and because they knew the story closely they felt he might not be able to handle the added responsibility hence they choose the girl.

Now when we as fellow workers compare the both of them, work knowledge wise Shane is so much better than her, he is also willing to help anyone with just a call. (that is their function!!) However, they choose the girl. We were quite shocked. The management didn’t know but the girl is just as bad as Shane. Cause she was going through a separation with her bf…at the same time. He was leaving to pursue his study and etc. only a few of us knew of this. Her work knowledge is not good at all. She has given wrong consultations causing others to make mistakes. She is a nice person- but she of all the team mates is the only one who is sly about work. It’s sad really. I have seen her poke out fellow friends to the management just to curry favors. For a 22 year old. I am impressed.

Moral of the story: no matter how close you get to the management personnel’s don’t ever divulge too much of your personal life as they may see it differently. Let them know as little as possible so that they can judge your competence based on your working ability and not bits of you that are private.

Disgruntled little me~

2005-08-24T15:22:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

How do I feel? I took the day of work today. Bf’s request and I needed a break anyway.

He said he wanted a day to take care of me. I thought it was sweet. I really liked it.

‘Why was he adamant about me taking leave for a day?’

The main plan was to see the doctors to get my head check. Well, I have been having headaches a whole lot lately. This started sometime in May. Maybe its work related.

When I went to see the doctor near my place he said that I have a mild case of sinusitis, was told to avoid air-condition places (ha-ha tell that to my office!) and to avoid cold drinks. Well I was vigilant and that kind of got better.

Then a couple of week’s back I fell of the bed and knocked myself out against the bed. It’s a solid wood bed mind you. I was out for a while according to my bf. Well the swelling is still there and I do have headaches once every three days or so. He was quite worried and I was tired of waking up with headaches. So we went to see this gracious doctor. She made me feel comfortable immediately. Anyways, she tut-tut ed the fact that I did not seek immediate consultation when I fell and passed out. She kept asking if there was any nausea and nose-bleed. She prescribed me more pain-killers. 3 types of pain-killers -One for headaches, one for the migraine and one for giddiness. AAAAAArrrrghhh……I am just going to put them aside. Every time I go to the doctors they end up giving me pain killers. Don’t they want to try and help me? Anyways, she says if it persists in a week’s time, to go back to her and she will recommend me to a neurologist. Now that sounded really scary.

‘Why am I blogging this at 11.30 p.m when I should be cuddled up or doing something with the BF?’

Easy, because he went out. Sigh today, did not turn out like how I hoped it would.

Woke up at 10.30a.m had b/fast and went to the gym. Worked out and when it was all done, he came to fetch me up from Fitness First, Summit. Then we headed of to the doctors at Sunway. It was off to Sunway Pyramid. He didn’t feel like a movie. So I asked him what did he want to do, he said he was a lil hungry so we had lunch at Delifrance. Fine, after lunch we headed back home, where he promptly fell asleep. I entertained myself until 6pm and then I got in bed with him to sleep. He woke up at 6-ish and I woke up at 7. Then he told me he has dance lessons today. Tried to talk to him a because I was bored but he was working on the pc. So I shushed. Once he was done it was 8pm.

We went to the dinning room for dinner. (At, dinner: it turns out he has dance lessons on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. He came back at 10-ish. I took my time by watching ‘Herbie’. Sigh* I thought he would pay attention to me, but he plunked himself in front of the pc again. Until he got a call from his friend. And then he said he is going out. Sigh* I wish he stayed and went out with or something. So here I am blogging while he is out with his friends. I don’t know if I should be feeling this way or is it natural all I know is that I am not happy. I somehow feel like sigh* I should have gone to work anyway. Cause it’s it’s just the same as a normal day. Is it because we have been seeing each other everyday? God, I wish I knew.

I am going to have bath shortly. I feel unhappy. Pls if anyone even read this blog can u pls share your perspective with me? I Can’t talk about this to anyone. I don’t have any close girlfriends to talk to…sigh*

Progress.....

2005-08-22T19:05:00.000+08:00

Current weight: 61.1kg.
(well I hope I can lose the extra 0.9kg by 31/08/05)
Didn't starve as I planned to. Too greedy and not tough enough. Have cut back on carbonated drink and late night suppers.
W/ends were splurge days ate like a pig and had supper too. Nice.

Well, today I had
* rice with curry chicken (medium portion) for lunch
* fried kuey toew with an egg (regretted that order cause the egg was so oily - I didn't enjoy that at all)
* 1 red bean ice cream potong
* 4 slices of bread with tuna and and salad..
Not in that particular order, and it's only 7pm.
I went for a yoga class today. It wasn't as easy as it look but I liked the baby position or whatever they call it.

Tomorrow, I plan to get up early go for the earlier two classes and go home again. I know it sounds tiring. I feel tired thinking about it but I think I should do my laundry tomorrow. I am not giving up on myself this time.

Had a rough night, throat hurts from all that puking.Sigh* stupid thing to do.

Thank goodness it's the weekend

2005-08-19T22:19:00.000+08:00

Its been a really long weekend. I had a good day. Busy no time to think. There's much i want to write but there isn't much time. so i'll let it be for now.

Normal day~ feeling good

2005-08-16T10:20:00.000+08:00

Today, I ate... lets see a ...
bowl of curryish sourish laksa

2 popiahs (0.80)
1 fried sukun(0.40)
1 cucur udang(0.40)
rice with curry and vege (2.00) all these are malaysian food
Fruit Tree's Pineapple juice -that was really nice.

LOLz... there goes my big plan of losing weight. God I am such a lame-O. Oh well, ... thats all i had for today. More than enough really. Am feeling pleasantly full now. it's a pity that i still need to work till 11.. i am grateful to him for volunteering to pick me up today after work, I am so tired i can't imagine being here till late to catch the last bus.

Going home today, so need to pack cause i am going to hit the gym tomorrow. hoping to turn in early so i can join the classes. Am a little saddened by the fact that i still can't call the bank. I am missing RM200 from my bank a/c and they said that unless i have a telebanking pin they can't help me. so i'll need to be patient and wait till i get home to check it out. Oh i need more MONEY!!!

Oh, have booked a 5 day 4 night stay in Bangkok. Soooo excited. I think*

Oh Lord, I love him so. I do he makes me smile even though i irritate the shit out of him without fail. I learnt something from him today, just because ur annoyed with someone it doesn't mean you don't want them. It just means that something they did irked you and that you aren't feeling all friendly at the mo. but it will pass and it doesn't change the basic fact that the still care, love and want you. It's a nice feeling really.

2005-08-14T03:05:00.000+08:00

I am sad.

So many things in life gotten out of hand.
Last yr May I weight 50.5kg now in August 2005 I am 62 kg. what the hell ! I look like shit. I feel like shit

Feel as attractive as a piece of fat, stinking lard. What a loser. I don’t care if its not healthy I am going to stop eating …. For the whole month. More if I don’t see visible results.

Which would be fucking good anyway cause I maxed out my credit cards paying for facials yeah the stupid facials cost like RM2500, and it’s not working I am breaking out just as badly bloody bitches.

Paid to join the gym, but don’t go…what the fuck…think u have so much money to throw ah stupid cunt!

All together you owe like 4K on the stupid card.

So NEW FUCKING DIET AND LIFE

B/fast or lunch oats with sugar and raisin + melilea

dinner – melilea + sandwich (bread n tuna/ peanut butter)

* yeah that should fucking starve me.

GYM - everyday at 2 fucking hours at gym. Join the fucking classes you lazy bitch. Just because you joined a gym doesn’t make you thin. You need to fucking attend.

Start date of fucking activity? – 14/08/05

Current weight -62 kg

Ideal Current weight 30/07/05 – 62 kg	Actual weight Current weight 30/07/05 – 62 kg
Target weight by the 31/08/05 - 60 kg	Actual weight on 31/08/05
Target weight by the 30/09/05 – 58kg	Actual weight on 30/09/05
Target weight by the 31/10/05 – 56kg	Actual weight on 31/10/05
Target weight by the 30/11/05 – 54 kg	Actual weight on 30/11/05
Target weight by the 31/12/05 – 52 kg	Actual weight on 31/12/05
Target weight by the 31/01/06 – 50 kg	Actual weight on 31/01/06
Total weight lost 12 kg	Actual weight loss

* you can fucking do this.

Self realisation*

2005-08-09T19:20:00.000+08:00

*work matters*

Sucks really, being told that you don't do things right. Don't know whether to value that person's feedback or hate them. *at the end of the day, glad was told cause then can keep an eye on a flaw*

Was told not to be too harsh when quering about other people's work which aren't clear. As it may offend them. Didn't realise that it was happening that way. Must seem like a bitch to those who are offended. sigh* difficult need to learn more tact. Tact is just not in my vocab and thats really sad. Sigh* Have apologize to some of them and hope not to repeat the same mistake again.
I don't want to be those bitchy people you work with and wished dead all the time!!!

*staying with BF issues*

Well, i stay there most of the time. I don't know if the parents are alright with it. But I think i am wearing out my welcome, plus the bf doesn't seem too pleased about me staying there often. His mom suggested i move in with him, sharing the room that way i don't have to pay rent where i am , instead pay her for the electricity and water. felt the bite of those words. I'd be an idiot if i didn't. Was a bit confused if she was serious or not. Brought it up with him, he said he wouldn't like it. Amazingly, neither did I. Kinda like having my own place so that i can escape when i need to. But the fact that he didn't like it smarts. and the fact that i still don't know if she was being nice, or just being sarcastic is another matter altogether. Why do i still stay there? rationally, i do have a room of my own, rented so not as nicely furbished as his room.
I like the company. to wake up beside someone, to have someone there when you wake up. Think i don't want to stay there anymore. *kept saying this, yet to happen*

*My Birthday*
Maybe i am getting older or maybe i am really depressed and i dont' even know it. I keep forgetting my birthday is this thursday. i am not looking forward to it, nor am i dreading it. Feels like just another day in a year. Use to get all excited about it, the promise of prezzies.. *well i don't get them so that kinda lost it's sparkle.*, being someone special for a day...and the attention and all. well it kinda lost it's appeal. Its just another silly birthday anyway. 24 years old in this world, none the wiser.

FAT IS SAD!!!

2005-08-08T11:45:00.000+08:00

It's really funny really, how one can be so damm critical of ones self and more accepting of others. I find myself in that position a lot. I hate so many things about myself and find it so hard to see the good bits while I see so many in others. This makes me feel very left out, even at times envious.

I am fat now; currently I am up to 63kg and am only 154cm tall so you can imagine how pudgy I am. I have really bad skin. And cellulite marks every crease of my thighs and arms. It’s really quite unappealing. Sigh, i watched this show last night and what that lady said made me smile. She said that 'There are no ugly women in this world, just lazy ones'. I am inclined to agree. So many people will look so good if only they were motivated enough to exercise. Skinny ones will look good with toned muscles and fat people like me will look awesome just by toning down a little.

I do have my attractive bits, mainly just my personality and my smile. That’s genuine, but it's quite sad really when I went to meet some internet friends and was instantly dismissed because well I wasn't as attractive as fellow net chicks. Goes to show.... looks are important.

Being fat is a great demotivator. I can tell. There not much clothes you can buy that will flatter your figure *Malaysian stores caters for the tiny, skinny chicks".

Every weekend when I head back to my lil boring dead town *hometown =ht* I am bombarded by a bazillion questions & comments on how fat I have grown. I really find these comments totally insensitive. these well meaning old biddies * I hope they are well meaning, I’d rather think they are...come up with lots of suggestions and solutions on how to loose weight, mind you some of them are twice my size. I seriously feel disinclined to take their advice. Especially when it didn’t' seem to work for them.... Maybe its' that being lazy bit. that’s hindering their slimming dream.

Sigh* fat is really sad. I don’t feel pretty these days. I can’t dress pretty.

Unsatisfied, sexual starvation…not quite but almost!!

2005-08-07T22:29:00.000+08:00

Hi, I am your average 24 year old (at least I turn 24 this Wednesday). Decided to start a blog to just pour out the how I feel and I guess the need to put it up so others can read is strong. A journal is not good enough these days. Plus given how often I move about and the moments when I feel the need to express myself. Keeping a journal is just too much of a hassle.

Today’s topic: Unsatisfied, sexual starvation…*not quite but almost!!*

What is it that really hurts? Having a need that goes unfulfilled? Being rejected? Just plain not getting sex? I don’t’ know.

‘People are just going to think I am a slut. Or think badly if they know what I feel inside. Being me is quite difficult. There is such a mess in my heart and there just isn’t anyone I feel comfortable with blabbing it all. It’s sad really.’

You can’t tell your boyfriend that you’re sexually unsatisfied; you can’t do anything about it without hurting his ego. They are so sensitive and I really don’t want to hurt his feelings. It’s so frustrating. Your horny you want things but you can’t have it. Makes u want to tear you hair out really. The resentment that builds up. I just want it often, does that make me a bad person? Am completely aware sex isn’t everything but its something I enjoy immensely.

Is it really true with everyone? I mean it goes without saying the common perception of many, is that guys have the higher libido…I wonder how true this is all the gung-ho guys out there I wonder. How many girlfriends, wives, fiancés etc who feels that it’s just not enough. That it’s just not good enough.

I just want a good time, is it really so hard to get that? It’s the same with every boyfriend they just lack it. It may be me, am I unappealing? Am I losing it? Are they tired of me? Is sex with me boring? Argh… I am going to go for a cold shower.

-N